On All the Unsent Messages
Often I write messages to the people I am close to, but just before I send the message doubt creeps in. A doubt born out of past disappointment. What will the person on the other end say?
"Well, that sucks :((" or "That's not a good place to be in"
The reactions aren't wrong. But they are not right either. I don't know what the right reply is either. Those replies just feel generic and feel like my emotions are glossed over. Something to be acknowledged but inevitably to also make me move on from them. Because let's be honest, there are very few people who are okay with sitting with your emotional turmoil.
It is well known that "talking to someone" is a good way to get stuff out your system. But yet, I don't send those messages because I will feel worse when the reply comes in.
Yes, it is unfair of me to expect the other person to know what the perfect reply to give. But good luck telling my heart that. That's why I make the logical decision to... not send the message.
Now, there are so many unsent messages by now, each unsent because I know what I get won't be someone holding space for me. But at the end of the day I recognize that these people have lives outside of me. They have worries outside of me. I'd rather not add on to that either. I understand.
Having no one to talk to sucks. It especially feels bad when you do have people, and they listen to you but don't hear you.