A Different Perfectionism
All my life, teachers and mentors have always told me that I had 'potential' and could achieve more if I applied myself.
I don't know where that potential is.
Every exam or test I'd study the day before and get a score of 70%. "Hey for not much preparation, that is good! If I studied more I could have gotten more" - this was a routine. If I could do so well with such bare minimum effort, imagine what I could achieve if I truly tried.
Looking back, a pattern emerged. I only started tasks when time pressure or mandates-like unavoidable exams-forced me, because I didn’t know how to do them perfectly.
I knew I could do better. My 70% with minimal effort proved I could do better with more work, right?
Maybe if I was a bit more disciplined...
At 22, I realised that my avoidance wasn’t just about lacking discipline or procrastinating.
It was fear of failure.
Years of others seeing "potential" in me made me feel like I need to be the best, to meet their expectation, to be the person they think I am. If I had tried and didn't meet the standard, I would be outing myself as a fraud to myself more than them. Instead, if I barely tried and still got 70%, I could say, "That's pretty good for so little effort." This was my coping mechanism against feeling like a fraud.
I was terrified that if I tried and failed, people would see me as a fraud— the same fraud my negative thoughts told me I was. I'd disappoint everyone.
So terrified to fail that I didn't even try.
I could make plans, accounting for all the things that could go wrong and how I would combat them.
Yet I knew, the plan wasn't perfect, thus it was not worth acting on.
It took me a long time to see this, I was a perfectionist to the point that I would get scared to even try because something could go wrong. What if I studied more, dedicated more time, and still got low grades? Not trying protected me from that painful possibility.
I don't even try and this has dictated much of my life and still continues to do so.
They say self-awareness is the first step to change, but even knowing this, I’ve struggled.
I still struggle to start, to begin, to take the first step. Even if I know it would be better for me if I did.
As I write this, I’m still a perfectionist who avoids trying, out of fear of failure.
PS: I couldn't even be the "correct" perfectionist hahaha.
Reach me at: b0.p3m1w@slmails.com